Walt-O-Matic

While visiting Wendy’s, my friend and I noticed that there was a small line going from the cashier to the door.

It was evident what had happened. The cashiers were slow, and being pre-lunch time, the first few people in line simply stood around the little sheep herding devices.

Most likely, this was caused by a welcome sign slightly blocking the entrance to the guides.

As we stood in line waiting, it got closer to lunch time, and a long line of people started to arrive, extending out the door.

It was at that point I turned to my friend and said, “watch this.”

As we approached the herding device, I deliberately took the long way around.

Now the interesting point about this was that I ended up exactly in the same spot that I would have been standing if I had just taken one step forward.

However, the guy behind me, and everyone else, blindly followed my path like ants on a sugar trail.

The line rerouted itself into the marked area, clearing the log jam of people.

But, I couldn’t leave well enough alone…

During the course of our lunch, I figured I’d take things one step further. “Watch this,” I said as I left the table and approached the counter. I had noticed the line had disappeared from a lull in traffic.

So, I went to the wrong side of the crowd herding devices and waited.

When the next two people walked in together, the moment they saw me, I made sure they saw me nod to the cashier, and I stepped up pretending that I was ordering, by pointing at the menu, but in the end getting a refill. They, in turn, took the position “in line” that I had just vacated.

And, because I’m evil, I held up the line enough for a few more people to arrive, thus establishing a line that ended up looking like this…

And, that’s how we left Wendy’s. A long line of people trailing out the other door, and people arriving getting into the queue backwards.

Meanwhile, over at Chic-Fil-A…

Chic-Fil-A has a bunch of stand alone tables in groups of two.

When I last went there with a party of six, rather than trying to squeezing into a booth, I decided to conduct an experiment and alter the environment.

I simply rearranged the tables at our end into an elongated configuration that suited our party. And, rather than putting them back the way they were done, neatly pushed in the chairs so that they could accommodate another party of that size.

The obvious advantages were two fold. One, there was a larger aisle allowing for more room, better passage, and improved safety. Two, by sliding the tables up and down the line, any size party from 2 to 18 could conceivably be constructed.

And that’s how I left things.

Upon returning about two months later, I found something interesting had happened. The tables had all been rearranged in the configuration I placed them.

And, to the best of my knowledge, this is the only Chic-Fil-A in the area that has them setup this way. It’s also the most comfortable to eat at.

Having achieved 74 hoops using a mirror, Rob figured out how get the controller just right that he was confident he could pull a decent score blindfolded. We were shocked when he actually started making baskets, stunned when he passed his prior mirror score, floored when he crossed 100 points, and were astounded when he kept going.

Yes, the video is real. Yes, it’s really him. Yes, he’s holding the real controller doing the shooting. Zero trickery involved.

My brother-in-law, Rob, scored a 74 shooting hoops in Party Games …using a mirror.

The other night I had the most sublime hot dog. I don’t mean it was good, I mean it turned straight to gas.

The place was the MCI Center, and I got to see the Wizards play the… oh, who am I kidding. I was trying to make out the cheerleaders from four stories up while eating 6 oz of cotton candy from a plastic $5 bucket. Which, I might add, I refused to throw out since I paid so bloody much for it.

The most enjoyable part of the evening was not the game, but the ride home. As we were waiting for the metro train to arrive, an old lady sat down next to my friend Mike and started to listen in on our conversation.

“So, Walt, we’re thinking of having you over for Christmas. Have you ever had lamb before?”

“Yeah…”

“Oh. What’d you think?”

“I didn’t care for it that much,” And as I noticed the old lady listening in, I quickly added, “but the Bar-B-Que kittens were delicious.”

This prompted the look I was after. And she instantly engaged Mike in conversation to check the veracity of our conversation. At least enough to ascertain that we were good friends.

As the conversation took a turn to prior places lived, it turns out Mike and the old lady had both been to Germany. And, much to the confusion of those around them, started speaking in German. And they did quite well, I must say.

Too well. Cutting me out of the conversation, along with every other eavesdropper in earshot.

I informed Mike that this was America, and that we spoke English here; then I asked to see his legal status. Normally, I don’t engage in this kind of bold maneuver with an armed officer of the law, but by now the overpriced confections instilled a bravery that only spun sugar can do.

Naturally I backed down as he has more ways to kill me in his little finger than a pissed off villain in a James Bond movie.

At this point the train arrived, and I sat down next to the nice little old lady. And her friend. And some other chick who thought it might be the wiser move to ignore me.

“So,” asked the little old lady, “how do you know each other?”

“Him?” I glanced to Mike. “He’s my parole officer.”

Mike over heard enough to flash his handcuffs at me. The little old lady looked mildly uncomfortable and changed the topic.

“Where were you seated?” she inquired.

I explained we were in the 400’s. She then wanted to compare ticket prices (like that mattered now). And then we compared how many times we’ve been to a game at the MCI Center.

There’s a lot of promotional stuff going on at these events, whether it’s Chipotle throwing burritos into the crowd or t-shirts being dropped from parachutes to lucky winners below.

“So,” she continued, “have you ever caught anything at a game?”

“A cold.”

While I got a polite chuckle for quick delivery, she had enough and said, “get your friend; I want to talk with him.”

I yelled over to Mike, who was standing by the door. “She wants to talk with you, apparently I said something again.”

The chick to my left had vacated at the prior stop, so I slid into her old spot, and Mike took mine in front of the old lady.

And immediately, she switched into German again. Clearly, she wanted to practice.

I leaned over and said, “excuse me, you’re talking in code again.”

Mike turned to me and said, quite loudly, “I’m sorry. She said you had a nice ass.”

Without missing a beat, I addressed the old lady, “It’s true. You may be wondering why I’m covering my lap with a bucket.”

Mike, it turns out, wasn’t the only person to bust out laughing, seems a lot of people were riding our conversation, not just the train.

October 31st, 2007 - the intersection of Ashburn Village Blvd. and Shell Horn Road. My buddy Chris and I are driving, and a van races up next to us in the left turn lane.

I start laughing out loud so hard I almost wet myself while reaching for the camera.

I don’t know what was funnier, the fact that she was totally oblivious to her surroundings until the very last minute and we had to kindly let her over the solid white line into our lane or the idiots in VDOT who put a stop sign in the middle of a left-hand turn lane.

I swear, this picture is not doctored!

So I’m at O’Faolain’s Irish Pub in Sterling, VA and have to hit the little boys room.

The urinals had to been designed by the Thornton Burgess Toiletry Company.

The Baby Bear urinal was at my ankles. The Moma Bear urinal was where you’d expect it. And the Papa Bear urinal was at my chest. Seriously.

Take a look at where would “it” would have to be and use the standard height of a stall’s handle as a reference point.

I guess Andre the Giant was Irish.

Went to lunch at the new Wings’N'Things off Rt. 606. Guess what they had on the menu?

A Platter of 300 Buffalo Wings. And they were serious.

I can only eat six before I’m full. Oh, and the catch, they all have to be the same sauce.

That’s a lot of appetizers.

True story.

I was standing at a urinal when my iPhone rings. Now, normally I don’t answer the phone while in a restroom, but I was curious as to who was calling me as I haven’t made the number widely public yet. A huge green banner said it was my wife.

It was at that moment I woke up.

Or, more accurately, half-way woke up.

It was the middle of the night, I was under the covers, and when I turned my head, I could clearly see my wife sound asleep, and beyond her, my iPhone sitting in the charger, dark.

Yet, still half asleep, I could still ‘hear’ my iPhone ringing in my dream. Curious now as to what would happen, I decided as an experiment to answer it. I closed my eyes and instantly I was back in the dream in front of the urinal holding the phone.

I touched the answer button, lifted the phone to my face, and crystal clear I heard my wife say, very annoyed at me: “Clearly, you aren’t getting the symbolism here.” And then she abruptly hung up on me.

So, I put the iPhone in my pocket, woke up, and made my way to the rest room.

[Is this the first recorded iDream?]

I have to say this is the first Harry Potter movie that I walked away from enjoying beginning to end.

Having seen it in iMax on opening night, didn’t hurt either.

The story, while it couldn’t nearly hold everything the book delivered, was extremely well edited, conveyed the pertinent points, and kept good pace. I actually enjoyed the fact that we were shown little snippets of scenes, and left to our own understanding of the wizarding world to fill in the gaps. For instance, we saw the Hogwarts train exterior, then Harry behind a window, and suddenly he was at his destination — none of the details were drawn out. The story moved to film nicely.

Additionally, there are some characters you love to hate (not just Snape this time), and the movie invokes an engaging sense of emotion where you want to just reach out and strangle the antagonists yourself. Well done!

But what really impressed me, especially after seeing Transformers, was the most spectacular display of special effect wizard battles that has ever been seen to hit the screen. You thought the plasma splashing wands were great in the last movie, be prepared for multiple intense battles that will make you want to buy the DVD just to re-watch those segments. And, they spend plenty of screen time on them!

The poorly implemented days of CGI kids on brooms are gone; the special effects are top notch. When you see the dementors, you’ll be amazed at how fluid they look. The special effects team has done wonders with particles and smoke-like wisps.

The dramatic scenes and forced perspective for impressive use of space are just outstanding. There are plenty of interior and exterior shots of the castle to enjoy.

Oddly enough, the only two faults that were remotely distracting were pretty petty. One, during the opening scene some of the sweeps and pans felt overly blurry, then again this could have been iMax exaggerating the effect. Two, Hermione has gone down a cup size, which either makes it feel like they shot things out of order, or they really tried to tone down her feminine side; in the prior movie, she looked like adolescence hit, which made them seem closer to graduation — now Harry looks older, and she looks younger. Weird. Maybe it was just an unflattering outfit. But, whatever it was, it made the ages of the characters just slightly discontinuous.

Walt gives the new Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix a big thumbs up!

I have to admit that I enjoyed Transformers as an action-packed, explosion-filled, CGI piece of eye candy; having just those expectations and nothing else, I found the movie enjoyable, with only minor distractions for erratic conservation of mass, unrealistic scale, and the frequent violation of physics — in particular stopping a body in free fall.

With that in context, I’m completely dismissive of any plot or acting. In short, I wanted a visual feast and only a visual feast, and Transformers delivered in spades.

Walt gives Transforms a fluffy thumbs up.

Warning To Parents of Young Children
While you may be totally okay with your child seeing giant robotic battles and explosions, the movie did a good job at not going into any gore (several people do die on screen, but they basically crumple to the ground). Where you may take issue is that there’s a segment that feels like a tip-of-the-hat to American Pie with a more than a glossy pass on the topic of masturbation. That PG-13 is there for a reason, and I don’t think it’s the deaths.